Getting over a break-up

Hi,
Today I would like to blog about my "getting over a break up".

I have been through one breakup, and the breakup just make me grow so much.

It's not easy. Honestly speaking, even till now, those beautiful and heart-beating memories with my ex when we were friends, until we got closer and closer, is just sticks in my mind, even became my happiest dream and worst nightmare.

But I wanna forget him.

I wanna let him go.

I wanna set myself free.

It's just so difficult you know. 

I remembered those days when I was experiencing a hard time, I couldn't chant. I cried in tears to bed, while walking, while eating, playing clarinet, talking about it, in front of anybody who I was talking to. It was very heartbroken.

I hated every place I went for him and with him.

I hated every thing I did because of him. 

I hated every songs I sang about him. 

I hated every issues about him.

I hated every post of me related to him.

The most is, I hated myself for being so stupid so foolish so irrational because of him.

Especially during that moment being so close is the moment I always remembered and deeply hated myself.

How much I wanted to be with you. How much I wish you would be my side. How much I wish you would think of me and wanted so much to be with me. Those wishes crushed in piece.

I remembered on my last birthday cake, 3rd wish is to be forever with him. My first love :)
But, obviously it became impossible.

I just have to look forward.

So I did a few things to get over my breakup.

1. Clean up everything related to him

Finally I had the courage to delete things about him. I deleted all his photos I kept in my laptop, in my phone, in my purse, in my Instagram, Facebook. I kept his gifts in a beautiful box and never to take it out again. The doggie he bought for him on my birthday I kept in my closet. Erase messages, chats and conversation between us. I broke the 014 sim-card I bought just for our conversation, I didn't even use it after the last call. I will never ever go to those places I went with him. Even past by just never wanna look at it, especially when we went on class trip, Tune hotel is everywhere. I just never wanna put my eyes on it. Never want to know his latest updates on Facebook or Instagram. But now, the most difficult to delete off is our memories. It was so beautiful. I guess it takes time or perhaps the next one will do me this favor? I do not know :) 

2. Chant to Gohonzon. 

Every prayers of mine wished he would be happy without me, wished I could find the right him, the soul mate, which he could take care of me,  share my life with me, and forgiving me about my past.

Strengthen my faith in Buddhism and practice it really enlightens the Buddhism within me. 

3. Expand network of friendship

Once I started university, I became more proactive to make friends. This way made me felt accompanied. I felt so happy I finally have these three girls namely Juelle, Brenda, Amanda, who always encouraged me, accompanied me whenever I felt lonely, cheer me up whenever I thought about past. There are more uni friends who can really true friends ;) I appreciated them a lot. I joined more clubs and society, or organisational activities. I joined AIESEC in Sunway. I remembered how much I wanted to go to their seminar last year but I was having my STPM. Now I'm part of the journey, I'm gonna do my best on it :) Went for LLDS and awaited for MyLDS in UPM 2015 :) I'm in Sunway University Student Council. Just wanna represent the universities and contribute back to the university because I felt grateful to get full scholarship for my course. Met a lot of cool people, same aged, they're truly awesome. As busy as usual :)

4. Appearance

I took up makeup lessons, want to try on make ups to make myself more confident. I tried and switched a lot of outfit, gonna make myself a brand new person. I used to hate shopping, but now I loved to look for new items, or even tried on them. I love dresses, skirts, boots, from tomboy outfit, to girly outfits. I switched different styles each day. People say, clothing and fashion is the way to express yourself, and if you made an effort to do well on it, you are always the most outstanding of all. Go for haircut, or make my hair longer. And, I started to do few work out and exercises to trim my body shape to make myself more attractive and confident. I started to appreciate myself more, treat myself with great food, and good coffee, with beautiful clothes, facial and body treatments. I just love myself. I just want to look better in someone else's eyes :) Someday in the future, he will appreciate me more than I do :)

5. Think about your career, i.e. Future expectations

I remembered when I broke up, I started to think about my future seriously. I wandered, do I really wanna be a chemical engineer? or maybe I could challenge myself to be someone better? I thought of life being an engineer, and I realised, physics isn't the one I loved, and I don't want to be an engineer. So I began to do research on Actuarial science and how far this degree would take me. I talked to graduates from this course, and people at work, and finally I made my decision to take up this course. I was so fortunate to get full scholarship in Actuarial studies so that I could lessen my parent's burden. I was lucky too to get full PTPTN loan. But I have to take up part time jobs for my own expenses and I think it's okay to accumulate working experience. 

6. Always believe you deserve someone better

This breakup seriously damaged my confidence level. I tend to feel I don't deserve to move on. I got so depressed. But, I came to think of him having such great life without me, I thought to myself : do I really wanna make myself this way? I just have to move on. I talked to a wide range of people, and all of them convinced me that I could be with someone better. They always said : " first love is always memorable ones, but when the next one comes, you will realise how fortunate you were to be loved, and you certainly deserved someone else better." I was so moved. I guess, everyone deserve a second chance. 

7. Listen to one song that motivates you
By G-na I will get lost, you go your way
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eL3lKPVq-0


No matter what method you used, you have to be clear in your mind :

You want a new life. 

You want to move on. 

You want to love yourself more. 

You deserved to be love again :)

I'm sure I'm doing pretty well :D 

But after all,  dear love, I sincerely hope that he will be happy :)

We will be friends again, maybe in the future? 

Who knows?

Good night people.